Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
