Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
