Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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