I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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