Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
