Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
