Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
