my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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