i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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