like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
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