I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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