only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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