My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
