When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
