This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
