So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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