Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
