I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
