I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
