i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
