Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
how drunk are you?
Several
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
