The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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