She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
