I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
