please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
