so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
