I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
