ugly people sure do ruin things
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
