anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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