I am puke
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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