Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
