Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
