she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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