I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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