Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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