getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
