I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
as a side note pls kill me
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