i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You left your phone here
Wait...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
