yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
