VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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