when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
