On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
