sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
