No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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