I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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