dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
