I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
