tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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