he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
