my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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